12.03.2006
I suck at life.
I need a hug.
Reported @ 5:17 PM
8.02.2006
conversations, again
I believe that everyone has a secret friend only they can see. Someone to share your private thoughts without being laughed at, or without worrying about being accepted or not. It just so happens that mine is a bit vocal about making his presence known, and is fond of calling me an idiot.
You can assume that he's my "keeper". Or muse. Or reality checker, except that he himself is...only real in my mind.
Sort of a mix of one's super ego and id(no combination can be more contrasting than that.XD).
Why do I even try to explain anything in the first place?
Even if I can fully explain this phenomena, I'll still end up sounding like a mental hospital patient anyway.
-----
How do you make money, aside from starting your own business?
Easy. Why, sell your soul to the devil of course. He might even grant you eternal life.
No, dammit. Seriously.
Seriously. What do you need the money for anyway?
Personal reasons.
And what are those reasons exactly?
None of your business.
Hmm?
Quit pushing. I won't tell you anyway.
Ok.
And he stands up, looks at me for a second or so, as he prepares to leave.
Lately he's been dropping by quite a number of times...checking in on me, making sure if I'm still...in touch with reality I guess. He won't really say why he visits this place though...perhaps he thinks that I know why. And he'll leave as silently as he appeared, and there'll be no more time for me to...tell him how much I approciate his presence, even if all he does when he's here is annoy me a bit. Or at least, make sure that I don't completely go insane.
Dammit. Why can't I just...let him go?
It's for you...you know.
And he stops in his tracks, and looks around, smiling that smile of his. Elusive yet haunting as it graces his pale red lips for the barest of moments.
I just thought that maybe it'll do you good to have...
I don't need anything. I don't. You know that.
But I...
I'm here. Always will be. With or without it.
And he goes to me, maybe to prove his point, maybe to spite me...and everything else escaped me the moment he laid his hands on mine. And looked me in the eyes.
Stop thinking about useless things I don't need, and useless thoughts that will never happen.
...
Until you decide that you don't need me anymore...I'll stay.
Idiots need guidance after all.
Say What?!
~Fin~
Reported @ 8:07 PM
Finally. Updates!
I am alive. ALIVE!!!
I'm just too lazy to post anything here.
Just refer to my other journal for the meantime, if you're interested to know whether I'm still breathing or not.
Reported @ 8:02 PM
3.18.2006
exams gone wrong and writer's block
Yeah, I know. Lame title.
My POM finals earlier didn't go well. I studied, but, heck, I blocked out. I'm not looking forward to getting a decent grade...I don't even think I can at least get half of all the points.
But enough about that. I think I've drowned all my sorrows with a mug of coffee while watching Romeo+Juliet. So I'm not really going to rant.
I was just wondering...(and trying to come up with an idea for a story that has been stuck in my head for more or less 3 years now...)
How do you resurrect someone who has merged with the Earth and all living organims inhabiting it without turning him into some kind of Captain Planet? I'm just curious. And amused. And, well, brainstorming for a story. So far, all the ideas I have are bordering on weird, impossible, and lame. And the Captain Planet theme song is currently looping in my head.
Captain Planet! He's our hero! He's gonna take pollution down to zero!
Well, I just can't imagine him turning all white and shiny and wearing some dorky costume while summoning a heap of garbage on his mortal enemies...(well. I can imagine him wearing a dorky costume, and...it's pretty disturbing. Ugh. Go away bad thoughts)
GAIA FORCE!
For some effing reason, that's the only thing that pops into my head when I think about the scenario. Sounds like a convoluted Power Rangers title to me.
Lifestream.
Too Final Fantasy VII. I don't want to get sued for stealing ideas, you know. And I think the concept's pretty overrated, what with the popularity of the FFVII franchise and Aeris.
Father Earth.
Yeah. And then I'll make another character named Mother Time. And they'll going to make love and have hordes upon hordes of children all named after the gods. But of course, all their children would have anomalies because Father Earth and Mother Time are siblings. This is why inbreeding is taboo. You end up creating maniacs.
Sheer will to live.
Um, yeah. And maybe by just willing it, I can bring about world peace too.
Divine interventions.
Ha! You don't get resurrected just because. There's a catch...there's always a catch. Perhaps you're going to be assigned as the leader of the holy men that would fight evil and win "The War". And you will be known as "The One."
The problem with this scenario is that dead is dead. Period. I mean, do you know anyone who has survived the experience? I just don't know why I can't and don't want to abandon the idea. Maybe because I have no other ideas for new stories, and I don't want to face the reality that I suck at coming up with one.
I hate having mental blocks.
Reported @ 10:31 PM
3.17.2006
All is fair and one in love
Love is a phenomenon that is very difficult to define or identify, and sometimes we tend to find ourselves in love with someone (or something) quite unexpectedly, for reasons that we sometimes cannot comprehend. Often times, we become attracted to an object outside of our selves, and we invest our time and emotions in that beloved object, so much so that we tend to incorporate the beloved into our selves. This is the premise of what Catherine Earnshaw had said about her love for Heathcliff in Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights - "He's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."
I believe that love has the ability to transcend boundaries that a human person has put up around himself, the ability to break the walls and fences that the human psyche has build as a defense, perhaps as a result of being hurt by another person that one has also loved and invested one's time, emotion and life in. And it is this ability of love as well that enables a person to "extend" himself to another person, to open his soul to another. And it is when one truly loves another that one finds one's self incorporated into that other person, and the other incorporated into one's self. Perhaps this process of incorporation is a defense mechanism, that is, when you lost the beloved, in essence you still have a part of him inside of you. But, I think it is more than that.
This incorporation of the beloved into one's self can be a process of growth, and a process of becoming one with another. It is a process of growth, because one cannot love another without learning the responsibilities that loving entails, without learning how to effectively commune with another person. In loving another, a person learns to make sacrifices, when and when not to give, when or when not to change or compromise. In loving another, a person can find happiness, yet one can also be hurt. It is through loving another person that one can learn to widen his horizon, to open up his mind and heart to a world outside his own. In this way, a person grows by extending himself to another person, and taking in what he can learn from the beloved, yet at the same time, be able to give something in return. In this way, a person not only grows but is also recreated. The second part of this "incorporation" deals with uniting with the beloved. However, becoming one with the beloved does not mean losing one's self in another, or invading another's personhood. Becoming one with the beloved entails that one should know his boundaries, the things that he cannot give up, and at the same time, respect the limits of the beloved as well. Becoming one here is more of co-existence - you are one with the beloved in your feelings and perhaps your goals, but you retain your own identity separate from the beloved, and you do not turn the beloved into an image of yourself. In this level, love can be dangerous, because one may be overwhelmed by the wealth of his feelings, overwhelmed enough to lose himself completely in the beloved. But I think that this will only happen if the one in love with the beloved do not have a grasp of his own person or his own identity.
Having said all these things, I think that what Catherine Earnshaw said perfectly describes the nature of love - love is when two souls, seemingly independent of one another, still choose to assimilate into one, when one who can live on his own chooses to exist because of the existence of the other.
Reported @ 9:07 PM
2.22.2006
him
I am silly. Or rather, insane, to give him a name. When he has one anyway. Well. I was always good at getting attached to something or someone and giving them nicknames.
You know, I believe that when you love someone so badly, you get to incorporate a part of that someone in you...like a defense mechanism. So that when you lost that someone...you still have, in essence, a part of him inside of you...living, breathing, laughing...only in your head.
I need to go see a psychiatrist.
I may have another person, entirely another person, residing inside my head.
And I think I am in love with him.
As if my life isn't crazy enough to begin with.
Reported @ 9:09 AM
1.22.2006
Sad song marathon
Sometimes I just look at the stars and wish that everything would just fade away then and there. Every dream, evey love, every memory. And then maybe I can start anew, and maybe then I wouldn't feel this way.
---
There are times when I found myself staring into the celing of my room, thinking of nothing and everything at all. And the world just stops, and I close my eyes and I wish that that feeling would never end. Solitude.
---
Sometimes I wish that I would be given another chance to start everything all over so I can rewrite some of the memories, and erase some that I think I'm better off without. But I realize that I'm powerless to do so, and just accept the fact that some things just can't be changed.
---
There are times when I found myself screaming silently, running blindly, looking for someone that will never be there. And I realize that I just want the world to stop spinning for a moment and give me enough time to breathe and to save myself from drowning. Too much feelings or none at all. Sometimes it's difficult to sort everything out and not worry about a single thing. Sometimes it's a bit tiring to be happy when you're not even feeling remotely cheerful at all. Sometimes it hurts to pretend that everything will be ok, and him, or whoever, will be there to help you pick yourself up and continue walking. But I can't stop, not now, not anytime soon, because if I stop now, it would be the end, and I don't want that. I want to continue on, until I finally found what it is that I'm really looking for, whatever that is. Happiness is elusive, and I still don't know myself enough to stop looking for it.
---
Hey. I'm ok. I can do it, I know I can. Or at least I'll try. I'll continue on.
------
Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
~Oasis, Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Reported @ 11:33 AM
1.07.2006
stretching patience
I can do this.
And, I'll have him soon. Maybe not but. Patience.
Reported @ 11:43 AM
